Regain Focus

During the fall months I did a lot of internal work to regain focus in my life.
It seems the past 2 months have done much to blow all that work up.

One thing I do know is that to regain focus I need to look forward and not back.

I am spinning a lot on my birthday - or lack thereof this year.

I am the person who asked that a big thing was not done because we are trying to be fiscally responsible and make sure that money is spent on things we need - not want.  I just felt that it passed by with recognition of any kind. 

I need to figure out how to accept the attention and the celebration with me as the focus.  Many times I push away that attention because I don't know how to accept it.

I push my two partners together with each other more than I take time with them myself because I am not sure how to just enjoy that one-on-one time.  This issue has definatly gotten worse over the last 6 months or so.

The things that make me feel grounded and centered are mostly solitary activities - piano, making stuff, writing, meditation, reading etc

The only one that is a 'group' activitiy that either of them can participate in is shibari or needle play.  Both of these require that I figure out how to participate in that part of my life on a casual basis.  My brain seems to think that I need a consistent and continuous type of interaction in the bdsm level - I can't just have a session and be done with it.  The intimate connection it forms is very intense for me and I actually crash hard having to come back out of that deep meditative state. 

Right now I don't have that connection with either of my partners because of other stuff just happening in life.  I have no control over changing it - it is up to them to make the change to enable it to happen.  This leaves me with a lot of frustration because I feel like I am not enough of a priority for either one of them to make that change - I logically know that is not true, but my emotional self is battling with that concept.

In one month I have to be in the right head space to do a weekend of Tarot readings and healings and be able to reclaim my spiritual side so I am at peace and settled with what I learn during the readings I do.  This is going to take some focus on a daily basis to re-ground myself.  This is going to make be be selfish and focus on me.  I find this VERY difficult.

One other thing that helps me to stay focused is writting - I usually blog but my 'family friendly' journal is very sanitized so a lot of things don't get out of my head.  I have joined the A-Z Blogging Challenge so I am hoping that will really encourage me to get on here and ramble about some things in my head.  I like the idea of having a letter a day to inspire topics.

Looking for the positive

I have had a less than stellar birthday weekend - mostly due to financial crunch - but I am working really hard at finding the silver lining here.

I try hard not to get bogged down in the quagmire that is negativity.

I will let my thoughts sit for a while and see if I can come up with something more productive to write about other than 'birthday's suck'

New quote

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" - Anon.

I have been staring at this quote for over an hour.  I knew it applied to me when I got pissed off at it.

I have confused this as the right way to be for years thinking that if I was just good enough that would change.  Once the bdsm aspect enterd our lives this seemed to be the way it was viewed but it never felt right.

I don't think that I should be an option - I think I should be a priority.

Some days it just feels like I am the only one with that opinion so I forget.

What you get used to as 'normal'

The subject of why my relationship is 'complicated' came up yesterday with someone I know.  I was very honest with them about the poly portion of things.  I thought their head was going to pop off.  Not that we are poly or that I have two partners, but that we all live together as a trio instead of a duo. 

Why is it more acceptable to have two partners who don't know each other?  Why is our society so stuck on the theory that a relationship must only include two people? 

For many years I was one of those duos who couldn't see anything else for my life but I also didn't see that as the ONLY way to live.  My mind was open to other options - just not for me.  Then I met someone else and understood how love can increase and encompass and be okay by sharing it all.

I also find it interesting how many people would be willing to have multiple partners as long as those people didn't have multiple partners.  This just points to how insecure so many people in the world are about their own worth in relationships.

must muddle this one through my brain some more.

Events

There are many types of events in my life:

Medieval Recreation Events
Fetish Events
Pagan Events
Family Events
Volunteer Events
School Events

My calendar just gets clogged and double booked and I feel like I am abandoning parts of my life to participate in others.  My mentor has told me to remember that I am a many faceted person but to never forget that I am whole. 

Rigth now the events that I am missing most are medieval events because i am feeling out of touch with that part of my life as well as missing my friends something fierce.  I am missing being a part of that community.

It seems like I could attend and organize and participate in events all the time as long as I didn't have to work, pay bills, housework, parent, or nurture partner relationships.

This is why my life gets complicated - here is an example of what we are supposed to do on the upcoming weekend - we obviously won't get to it all . . .

Saturday - supposed to go to a neighboring city an hour away and teach fetish classes all day, go to a dinner and then a play party in the evening.  This is a kid free event.
Sunday - up at 6am to head to a neighboring city an hour the other direction to volunteer all day cooking and hosting. This would be a kid free event.
Monday - work all day.  Evening brings me teaching, kids at archery with hubby and wifey and the third anniversary of wifey moving in.
Tuesday - work all day.  Evening brings fight practice for medieval group and valentines day.

As you can see there are many conflicts to participate in these events.  We either abandon the chidlren for the weekend and have adult time.  We divide and conquer but then disconnect as a triad.  We don't attend and spend time as a family.  We do a bit of it all and make the best of the situations.

The weekdays bring their own set of difficulties.

Looking into the future life looks just as crazy.  One day I will figure out how to balance all these events.  Maybe after I win the lottery . . .

Space Challenges

Yesterday was a challenge of a weird sort.

Almost 2 years ago my father in law moved in for just a couple of months to get settled in a new community.  He has never left.  This has caused a huge space issue in our house.

Wifey and I had an office/sewing room.  She sacrificed her office space and we put all the sewing stuff in short term storage for his move in.  Well - he has never moved out so this has caused some major space cruch challenges.

Last night I was trying to clear more space in the dining room - this displaced a bunch of stuff that had just been stored in very akward spots.  Much of it was mine, some was hubby and the kids, but a chunch was wifey's.  This caused a lot of resentment and old feelings to bubble up.  Everything from the intrusion of an in-law to not feeling like she has her own space.

I understand all that - I really do - but we can't just live like hoarders-in-training . . . it is not cool!

We talked about it and the feelings are calmer but the underlying problem is not solved, and I am not sure how to solve it.

Over the last year I have been doing a huge purge of uneccessary stuff .  In doing this I am able to give the stuff I love proper homes.  That is a nice feeling.

Maybe it is time for a huge house shuffle once again - move things around . . . that is always fun!

New year, new focus

For awhile I wondered if this second blog was a good idea.  There many days that I barely make it through the day dealing with the 'must-do' list.

The last few months have really changed my perception on life.  October, November and December were very intenseive months for multiple reasons. 

October I took a 3 day intensive Tarot class from an amazing instructor.  This changed my view of the tarot and how to use it as a tool in life.  In November I had my long awaited jaw surgery and was out of life for about a month.  I was also able to participate in a 4 day intensive workshop with the same instructor as the Tarot class covering many deep introspective things.  December I was back at work, finished my course on psychic development, got through Christmas and then New Years.

During all that wifey got bad news - her father fell ill and passed away.  This was devestating for her.  She has not been close to him for many years however it is never easy to loose a parent.  This made much of the holiday a challenge, and rightly so.

Through all this introspection and life changing events I have had much time to re-evaluate my own life and the relationships in it.  Some of it has been great and I have been able to put many things to rest in my head.  In some other ways it has caused some issues that I currently don't know how to hande.

I have realized that sometimes I don't write because I just don't know where to start - Sometimes I wish there was a 'prompt' button that I cold just push and get a topic!  I am sure there is one out there . . . just have to find it.