Jig - I love the happy feeling I get in my soul when I see someoen dancing a jig. I think it is impossible to be depressed or sad while dancing or watching someone dance a jig.
I never learned how to dance the jig but it is one thing that I would love to learn - problem being that my body would never support and endure such a physical feat! Fibromyalgia is a bitch - just sayin'! I refuse to give up my life to the syndrome but it does put some limitations on me.
Having Fibro is a crazy roller coaster - somedays you feel like you always have. I guess your own personal normal. Other days you feel like your brain was sucked out of you in the middle of the night by aliens and replaced with Jello. I have had days where I swear I was run over by a truck in the night and no one left a note. At times food won't digest, at other times you just can't be satisfies by food. Emotional roller coasters, anxiety, depression, and borderline insanity all occur and random and unpredictable intervals.
Drug trials are possible - these intensify some symptoms and reduce others - all of which is an exciting thing.
The most frustrating is the memory issues commonly known as Fibro Fog. If you have anyone in your life with Fibro please be patient with them around this. It is a frustrating thing to not be able to access your brain. It is kinda like you have misplaced the keys to the filing cabinets in there. You know the information exists, you can almost physically feel where it should be, but you can't open the thought. Then - at 3am it hits you. You feel like an ADD kid off their meds and blurt out things at the wrong time because you know if you don't you will forget.
So - every morning I wake up and shuffle out of bed until the body loosens up. I wander the 5 blocks to work - with fibro in the morning I don't walk . . . I wander or saunter or casually stroll. I ease into the day with my coffee (doubles as a heat pack for my dumb frozen jaw). Try really hard to focus on what I eat to stick to my WW plan - really struggling these days. I sit a lot at work as I work in an office. After work I casually wander home. Then I try to find the motivation to do things like laundry and dishes and general maintenance on the house. I do a lot of textile creation as I can do that sorta lounging on my big comfy chair drinking tea. Then I for some reason wake up around 9pm and am ready to tackle the world. . . . argh!
Oh - and all through that there is the chronic pain and fatigue.
My mantra in life is "The pain is not doing damage, the pain is not doing damage . . ." so I don't let it beat me . . . just gets exhausting!
SO - I wish somedays I could Jig to show happiness and because then I would own a different body.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
I is for Inconsistent
Inconsistency is something I struggle with - both as a parent and a partner.
I find that if you are inconsistent as a parent then your kids walk all over you, but there are times that hard and fast rules need to be discusses because the environment we live in isn't hard and fast.
I think the place where I struggle the most with this is in the realm of BDSM. I haven't discussed this aspect of my life in great detail because many times it generates more questions in myself than I have the ability to answer, but this word is the reason I have all those questions.
There are a few different types of people who partake in the lifestyle. Weekend warrior types - they like the parties, they like the clothes, they like the few hours of adrennaline and risk taking and having a totally different experience than their regular life. Many of these types take the lifestyle into the bedroom and keep it there.
There are the type who have a specific long term bdsm relationship with another person. This is a power exchange based relationship and they make time to have sessions, engage in that power exchange and many times there is no sex involved. BDSM is not about sex. It can come into play at times, but most times it is about the control - either taking it or giving it - and the sensation/pain/endorphrine rush that accompanies it.
Then there are the 24/7 types. They usually live together, they have elements of the power exchange in all aspects of life. It is a wonderful dynamic if done right and adds a depth to a relationship like I have never experienced.
I have been through all facets of these dynamics.
I found that, in a submissive mindset, I need consisitency and I am very needy. This is unlike me in my 'mom-mode'. I also have a very difficult time flipping back and forth between the two head spaces.
In the lifestyle my hubby is a dom and my wifey is a switch (can be dom or sub). The dynamics that have evolved with the two of them are strong. I have drifted away from the lifestyle a bit because I struggle seeing her in a sub role while viewing her as a dom. It bends my brain. He cannot commit to the level I need and I cannot seem to deal with the level that either one of them are capable of providing.
It has left a rather bizzare result.
I am hoping that one day it will resolve but for now I am on the outskirts looking in to this lifestyle and trying to reconcile my needs and wants with my reality.
I find that if you are inconsistent as a parent then your kids walk all over you, but there are times that hard and fast rules need to be discusses because the environment we live in isn't hard and fast.
I think the place where I struggle the most with this is in the realm of BDSM. I haven't discussed this aspect of my life in great detail because many times it generates more questions in myself than I have the ability to answer, but this word is the reason I have all those questions.
There are a few different types of people who partake in the lifestyle. Weekend warrior types - they like the parties, they like the clothes, they like the few hours of adrennaline and risk taking and having a totally different experience than their regular life. Many of these types take the lifestyle into the bedroom and keep it there.
There are the type who have a specific long term bdsm relationship with another person. This is a power exchange based relationship and they make time to have sessions, engage in that power exchange and many times there is no sex involved. BDSM is not about sex. It can come into play at times, but most times it is about the control - either taking it or giving it - and the sensation/pain/endorphrine rush that accompanies it.
Then there are the 24/7 types. They usually live together, they have elements of the power exchange in all aspects of life. It is a wonderful dynamic if done right and adds a depth to a relationship like I have never experienced.
I have been through all facets of these dynamics.
I found that, in a submissive mindset, I need consisitency and I am very needy. This is unlike me in my 'mom-mode'. I also have a very difficult time flipping back and forth between the two head spaces.
In the lifestyle my hubby is a dom and my wifey is a switch (can be dom or sub). The dynamics that have evolved with the two of them are strong. I have drifted away from the lifestyle a bit because I struggle seeing her in a sub role while viewing her as a dom. It bends my brain. He cannot commit to the level I need and I cannot seem to deal with the level that either one of them are capable of providing.
It has left a rather bizzare result.
I am hoping that one day it will resolve but for now I am on the outskirts looking in to this lifestyle and trying to reconcile my needs and wants with my reality.
Monday, 9 April 2012
H is for Home(stead)
Home is where you live, where you are from, etc
I think all of us have a vision in our heads of how we want our home to look, dream rooms, dream yards etc. I think my dream home has a decorator, a maid, a gardener and a personal assistant to keep me focused.
I have always had a dream of having a house like on the movie Practical Magic but with a HUGE yard on the edge of the city so I can have chickens and goats and sheep and a greenhouse etc. I have this idea of having an 'emo' farm - Llamas, Aracuna Chickens, Herdforshire Cattle, Angora and Mohair critters etc - oh - and a sheepdog. They all have hair in their eyes - hence the emo farm!!
I want this farm so I can harvest all the fleece and fibre from my critters and turn it into wonderful textile creations.
Other things I would love to have . . .
- a great room with huge high ceilings that lots of people could hang out in.
- a huge kitchen that opens onto the above great room
- a custom made master bedroom to accomodate 3 people
- a weaving/sewing room
- a spiritual retreat room
- a brew room/wine cellar
- a properly vented studio for lampworking
- a home theater
- an adult play room
- guest rooms
- and in the yard . . . we want to build a living history viking homestead
So . . . the diverse interests of our family make it near imposslibe to persue hobbies and work and maintain the dream home. So . . . along with the decorateor, the maid, the gardener and the personal assisitant I also need a winning lottery ticket or a rich patorn who wants to see me make cool stuff . . .
In reality - my home is a 2400 sq foot 4 bedroom house. It has 4 adults and 2 teenagers living here and it is cramped and cluttered and in need of some basic maintenance. Daily I attempt to get rid of things to make it less cluttered but the stuff seems to breed! I don't know exactly how that happens.
One day . . . . I will keep dreaming . . .
I think all of us have a vision in our heads of how we want our home to look, dream rooms, dream yards etc. I think my dream home has a decorator, a maid, a gardener and a personal assistant to keep me focused.
I have always had a dream of having a house like on the movie Practical Magic but with a HUGE yard on the edge of the city so I can have chickens and goats and sheep and a greenhouse etc. I have this idea of having an 'emo' farm - Llamas, Aracuna Chickens, Herdforshire Cattle, Angora and Mohair critters etc - oh - and a sheepdog. They all have hair in their eyes - hence the emo farm!!
I want this farm so I can harvest all the fleece and fibre from my critters and turn it into wonderful textile creations.
Other things I would love to have . . .
- a great room with huge high ceilings that lots of people could hang out in.
- a huge kitchen that opens onto the above great room
- a custom made master bedroom to accomodate 3 people
- a weaving/sewing room
- a spiritual retreat room
- a brew room/wine cellar
- a properly vented studio for lampworking
- a home theater
- an adult play room
- guest rooms
- and in the yard . . . we want to build a living history viking homestead
So . . . the diverse interests of our family make it near imposslibe to persue hobbies and work and maintain the dream home. So . . . along with the decorateor, the maid, the gardener and the personal assisitant I also need a winning lottery ticket or a rich patorn who wants to see me make cool stuff . . .
In reality - my home is a 2400 sq foot 4 bedroom house. It has 4 adults and 2 teenagers living here and it is cramped and cluttered and in need of some basic maintenance. Daily I attempt to get rid of things to make it less cluttered but the stuff seems to breed! I don't know exactly how that happens.
One day . . . . I will keep dreaming . . .
Saturday, 7 April 2012
G is for Gran
Gran is what I called my grandmother, my mom's mom.
This woman was my idol. The more I look back on her life and truly appreciate all she did and accomplished in her life the more my respect grows for her.
She was raised by religious extrememists who bordered on cultish behavior all in the name of Christianity. When she had children she allowed them to make thier own choices and never pushed anything on them. Luckily for me my own mother took that lesson and transfered it down a generation.
She raised 3 kids while married to an abusive alcoholic. She could hunt, fish, garden, process anything she caught or grew, spin, weave, dye, knit, sew, etc. She was truly a self sufficient woman. She was also smart and had a head for business.
Some of my most amazing memories of visitng her were the fact that if we screwed up and got in trouble she would give us the consiquence and it was done. It was never brought up again. It was not hung over our heads when our parents returned. It was just done.
She would make fresh cinnamon buns every Christmas morning - she would get up at the crack of dawn so they were in the oven for when we were all waking up to the amazing smell.
The little pill bottle of pearls she had found in the oysters off the beach in front of her house.
Polishing and dusting her bell collection.
Beachcombing with her and bringing buckets upon buckets of shells and sealife home to try to beg our parents to let us bring home as pets (we lived on the praries).
Picking vegetables out of the garden for dinner every night.
Deciding the color of the hydrangea bushes every spring by the amount of lime she would add - and it always worked! I was allowed to walk around with her and tell her the color I wanted them. She seemed magical.
One year she helped us preserve a bunch of star fish to take home to our friends on the praries. She set up this huge black caulren over a fire on the beach and set up a dye vat. We collected a bunch of starfish and she would set up this concotion over the fire of preservatives and dye that we would drop them into. She would stir it up and then we would lay them along her seemingly endless driveway to dry. When done they were stiff and safe to take home. The visiual reminds me of a witch on the beach making potions!!!
When she was dying of cancer, and finally had to admit it, she never once lost her sense of humor. She was a totally amazing woman. She was the glue that held our family together.
I treasure her memory and have begun to learn all the skills she had so that I can honor her memory and her life.
One day I hope to be an amazing grandmother who gets her grandkids in lots of 'trouble' excpet I will still have piercings, sagging tattoos and probably pink hair . . . I also have a grand plan to become just eccentric enough to make my kids feel like I do at them moment trying to raise them as teenagers!!!
This woman was my idol. The more I look back on her life and truly appreciate all she did and accomplished in her life the more my respect grows for her.
She was raised by religious extrememists who bordered on cultish behavior all in the name of Christianity. When she had children she allowed them to make thier own choices and never pushed anything on them. Luckily for me my own mother took that lesson and transfered it down a generation.
She raised 3 kids while married to an abusive alcoholic. She could hunt, fish, garden, process anything she caught or grew, spin, weave, dye, knit, sew, etc. She was truly a self sufficient woman. She was also smart and had a head for business.
Some of my most amazing memories of visitng her were the fact that if we screwed up and got in trouble she would give us the consiquence and it was done. It was never brought up again. It was not hung over our heads when our parents returned. It was just done.
She would make fresh cinnamon buns every Christmas morning - she would get up at the crack of dawn so they were in the oven for when we were all waking up to the amazing smell.
The little pill bottle of pearls she had found in the oysters off the beach in front of her house.
Polishing and dusting her bell collection.
Beachcombing with her and bringing buckets upon buckets of shells and sealife home to try to beg our parents to let us bring home as pets (we lived on the praries).
Picking vegetables out of the garden for dinner every night.
Deciding the color of the hydrangea bushes every spring by the amount of lime she would add - and it always worked! I was allowed to walk around with her and tell her the color I wanted them. She seemed magical.
One year she helped us preserve a bunch of star fish to take home to our friends on the praries. She set up this huge black caulren over a fire on the beach and set up a dye vat. We collected a bunch of starfish and she would set up this concotion over the fire of preservatives and dye that we would drop them into. She would stir it up and then we would lay them along her seemingly endless driveway to dry. When done they were stiff and safe to take home. The visiual reminds me of a witch on the beach making potions!!!
When she was dying of cancer, and finally had to admit it, she never once lost her sense of humor. She was a totally amazing woman. She was the glue that held our family together.
I treasure her memory and have begun to learn all the skills she had so that I can honor her memory and her life.
One day I hope to be an amazing grandmother who gets her grandkids in lots of 'trouble' excpet I will still have piercings, sagging tattoos and probably pink hair . . . I also have a grand plan to become just eccentric enough to make my kids feel like I do at them moment trying to raise them as teenagers!!!
Friday, 6 April 2012
F is for Frangipani
Frangipani is my favorite incense that can no longer get.
I discovered it in a little store in Fan Tan Alley in Victoria, BC when I lived there. It was unlike anything else I had ever smelled.
It was the first incense that made me sit and think and enjoy the experience of beign alone.
So many times I wish that I could get it again - I have no idea where to buy it. I have lots of other scents that I enjoy but I have never been able to replicate that one.
Years later I have discoverd that spirituality that I was searching for at that time. I have discovered meditation and tarot and trusting my intuition. I look back at all the barriers I would encounter at that time and realized that I probably didn't have a lot of luck with it because it was not my time. The self discovery journey that has occured over the last months of my life has been nothing short of amazing.
I discovered it in a little store in Fan Tan Alley in Victoria, BC when I lived there. It was unlike anything else I had ever smelled.
It was the first incense that made me sit and think and enjoy the experience of beign alone.
So many times I wish that I could get it again - I have no idea where to buy it. I have lots of other scents that I enjoy but I have never been able to replicate that one.
Years later I have discoverd that spirituality that I was searching for at that time. I have discovered meditation and tarot and trusting my intuition. I look back at all the barriers I would encounter at that time and realized that I probably didn't have a lot of luck with it because it was not my time. The self discovery journey that has occured over the last months of my life has been nothing short of amazing.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
E is for Everywhere
Everywhere is the most mis-used word by my children and partners mostly used in the sentance "I have looked everywhere for it and I can't find it". My answer is usually "You didn't look everywhere because if you did you would have it". They don't like this answer.
I think the main difference is in the way we remember where things were left or in the way we look for things. With the kids they go to the last place they remember it being. This could be from last summer and they been to that spot hundreds of time since, but they are shocked when the item they want isn't magically there. With the partners they view themselves as highly organized and it should be where they 'think' they left it. This is not necessarily where it actually is. Because I am a 'piler nor a filer' the blame gets placed on me to have lost it.
I am also the one who seems to find the lost objects.
I have never been a completely organized or neat person. I work really hard at de-cluttering and letting things go daily. Right now I am on a "decluttering for fun a profit" kick - I have been selling items on an online local swap type site. It has been totally fun. I have made more than I would at a yard sale and I am meeting some lovely people.
I guess E is also for Easter . . . . and that is this weekend. Chocolate bunny day is always good!!
I think the main difference is in the way we remember where things were left or in the way we look for things. With the kids they go to the last place they remember it being. This could be from last summer and they been to that spot hundreds of time since, but they are shocked when the item they want isn't magically there. With the partners they view themselves as highly organized and it should be where they 'think' they left it. This is not necessarily where it actually is. Because I am a 'piler nor a filer' the blame gets placed on me to have lost it.
I am also the one who seems to find the lost objects.
I have never been a completely organized or neat person. I work really hard at de-cluttering and letting things go daily. Right now I am on a "decluttering for fun a profit" kick - I have been selling items on an online local swap type site. It has been totally fun. I have made more than I would at a yard sale and I am meeting some lovely people.
I guess E is also for Easter . . . . and that is this weekend. Chocolate bunny day is always good!!
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
D is for Dad(s)
Dad is not something that really resonates with me - I have never had a consistent one in my life.
Dad #1 - my mom and he married when they were young. They had my brother and then me. He was in the air force as part of the Search and Rescue Squadron. From what I understand this is one of the most difficult squadrons to get into - the trials eliminate over 80% of those who apply. He loved his job. He loved jumping out of airplanes and saving people. While on a rescue in November of 1971 the plane he was on went down and killed all 7 members of the unit he was with. It is one of 2 fatal accidents in the entire history of the squadron. I was only 18 months old. I never really knew him. This event really affected my brother.
Dad #2 - When I was 4 my mom re-married to another air force man. We trasferred from Comox to Germany. The Germany stint was supposed to be 4 years and he only lasted 14 months. He left the service, moved to Saskatoon, SK and joined the city police force. He viewed his kids and his pets about the same. They should be there to perform tricks to show how amazing he was. When I was 15, and on my mom's birthday, he left blaming my brother for not shovelling the sidewalk. It was a very odd day. His leaving was the best thing that ever could have happened. He arranged visitations with the dog, not us. This gave me some really identity crisis times over never knowing Dad #1 and a lot of emo poetry was composed in this phase. He and I have never really kept in touch. He met my daughter once when she was less than a year old and had never met my son. I put as much effort into the relationship as he does.
Dad #3 - after many years alone and my mom settling into her own stride she met the love of her life. He was much older than her but made her happy like nothing I have ever seen. He was my kids true grandpa, he loved those kids like nothing I had ever seen. The day he fell and broke his hip was the day his life changed forever. His seemingly ageless self changed into an old man almost over night. He could not regain his health. My mom stayed by his side every step of the way and when it was finally time for pallitive care she moved him home and did it all. He died one year on father's day. I miss him.
Dad #4 - my mom now has a new partner. Her grieving over Dad #3 was long and deep. I figured she would never recover from it. Then she reunited with a childhoold friend who had never married. They have their own houses, their own lives. They travel south in the winter, they are wonderful companions. He is cheerful and respectful and community minded and lovely. I think that he is a great and lovely soul.
Bonus Dad - My Father In Law. This is a man, who in his younger days, was hysterical. I could hang out with him and bullshit all day long. He has a gruff exterior and says the most inapproriate things because he has never adjusted his language as terms and things have moved on. His wife went a little nutty a few years ago and after 45 years of marriage moved out of the house while he was in the hospital. He moved in with us almost 2 years ago. Now he is a frail and depressed person. He is slowly killing himself by not taking care of himself and his health conditions - of which there are many. When you try to help him he gets mad. Yesterday he fell while at the pool and is now in the hospital with severe soft tissue damage and he can't even get out of bed or move his right arm. I am not sure how I feel about this. I want him to live closer but in the house is killing our family. Hopefully this will be a wake up call or a catalyst to assisted living of some kind. We will find out.
Dad #1 - my mom and he married when they were young. They had my brother and then me. He was in the air force as part of the Search and Rescue Squadron. From what I understand this is one of the most difficult squadrons to get into - the trials eliminate over 80% of those who apply. He loved his job. He loved jumping out of airplanes and saving people. While on a rescue in November of 1971 the plane he was on went down and killed all 7 members of the unit he was with. It is one of 2 fatal accidents in the entire history of the squadron. I was only 18 months old. I never really knew him. This event really affected my brother.
Dad #2 - When I was 4 my mom re-married to another air force man. We trasferred from Comox to Germany. The Germany stint was supposed to be 4 years and he only lasted 14 months. He left the service, moved to Saskatoon, SK and joined the city police force. He viewed his kids and his pets about the same. They should be there to perform tricks to show how amazing he was. When I was 15, and on my mom's birthday, he left blaming my brother for not shovelling the sidewalk. It was a very odd day. His leaving was the best thing that ever could have happened. He arranged visitations with the dog, not us. This gave me some really identity crisis times over never knowing Dad #1 and a lot of emo poetry was composed in this phase. He and I have never really kept in touch. He met my daughter once when she was less than a year old and had never met my son. I put as much effort into the relationship as he does.
Dad #3 - after many years alone and my mom settling into her own stride she met the love of her life. He was much older than her but made her happy like nothing I have ever seen. He was my kids true grandpa, he loved those kids like nothing I had ever seen. The day he fell and broke his hip was the day his life changed forever. His seemingly ageless self changed into an old man almost over night. He could not regain his health. My mom stayed by his side every step of the way and when it was finally time for pallitive care she moved him home and did it all. He died one year on father's day. I miss him.
Dad #4 - my mom now has a new partner. Her grieving over Dad #3 was long and deep. I figured she would never recover from it. Then she reunited with a childhoold friend who had never married. They have their own houses, their own lives. They travel south in the winter, they are wonderful companions. He is cheerful and respectful and community minded and lovely. I think that he is a great and lovely soul.
Bonus Dad - My Father In Law. This is a man, who in his younger days, was hysterical. I could hang out with him and bullshit all day long. He has a gruff exterior and says the most inapproriate things because he has never adjusted his language as terms and things have moved on. His wife went a little nutty a few years ago and after 45 years of marriage moved out of the house while he was in the hospital. He moved in with us almost 2 years ago. Now he is a frail and depressed person. He is slowly killing himself by not taking care of himself and his health conditions - of which there are many. When you try to help him he gets mad. Yesterday he fell while at the pool and is now in the hospital with severe soft tissue damage and he can't even get out of bed or move his right arm. I am not sure how I feel about this. I want him to live closer but in the house is killing our family. Hopefully this will be a wake up call or a catalyst to assisted living of some kind. We will find out.
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