During the fall months I did a lot of internal work to regain focus in my life.
It seems the past 2 months have done much to blow all that work up.
One thing I do know is that to regain focus I need to look forward and not back.
I am spinning a lot on my birthday - or lack thereof this year.
I am the person who asked that a big thing was not done because we are trying to be fiscally responsible and make sure that money is spent on things we need - not want. I just felt that it passed by with recognition of any kind.
I need to figure out how to accept the attention and the celebration with me as the focus. Many times I push away that attention because I don't know how to accept it.
I push my two partners together with each other more than I take time with them myself because I am not sure how to just enjoy that one-on-one time. This issue has definatly gotten worse over the last 6 months or so.
The things that make me feel grounded and centered are mostly solitary activities - piano, making stuff, writing, meditation, reading etc
The only one that is a 'group' activitiy that either of them can participate in is shibari or needle play. Both of these require that I figure out how to participate in that part of my life on a casual basis. My brain seems to think that I need a consistent and continuous type of interaction in the bdsm level - I can't just have a session and be done with it. The intimate connection it forms is very intense for me and I actually crash hard having to come back out of that deep meditative state.
Right now I don't have that connection with either of my partners because of other stuff just happening in life. I have no control over changing it - it is up to them to make the change to enable it to happen. This leaves me with a lot of frustration because I feel like I am not enough of a priority for either one of them to make that change - I logically know that is not true, but my emotional self is battling with that concept.
In one month I have to be in the right head space to do a weekend of Tarot readings and healings and be able to reclaim my spiritual side so I am at peace and settled with what I learn during the readings I do. This is going to take some focus on a daily basis to re-ground myself. This is going to make be be selfish and focus on me. I find this VERY difficult.
One other thing that helps me to stay focused is writting - I usually blog but my 'family friendly' journal is very sanitized so a lot of things don't get out of my head. I have joined the A-Z Blogging Challenge so I am hoping that will really encourage me to get on here and ramble about some things in my head. I like the idea of having a letter a day to inspire topics.