Tuesday, 31 May 2011

And I am back

I have been living inside my head too much as of late.
I have been doing a lot of personal growth work and spiritual work trying to reclaim my ability to just be me.  It is a hard thing to do when you have identified as someones wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc for so long and forget what it is like to just be me.
My anxiety sometimes keeps me trapped in a place I don't like.  I am working every day to bread free.
There are days I read Facebook and walk away feeling like I have no friends because everyone else is having fun without me.  I know that this is an irrational thought and it is stupid and silly but it still has the same emotional repurcusions on me as if it were true.  I stuggle with this daily.
Anyway - I am back in the writing mode so I hope to get here more often.

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

My relationship is criminal

Quite literally -
The law as it is written in Canada would land me in jail for 5 years because I love 2 people and choose to live with them.

I have been married to my husband for almost 17 years.  I identified as a striaght married womand who was not interested in anything even resembling anything outside of a vanilla lifestyle for most of my life.

Almost 3 years ago I fell unexpectedly and madly in love with a woman.  So did my husband - with the same woman.  And she fell in love with us.  just over 2 years ago she moved in to our home and we have shared our life and been a family ever since.  Now my husbands father lives here as well. 

Under the current Canadian law each of the adults in this house, including my father-in-law, can be jailed for 5 years.  The way the law is written there does not have to be proof that there is a sexual relationship.  Roomates who all share a house and are platonic could be jailed just as easily.

The law as it is written is currently being challenged in court in BC.  The closing arguments are happening this week.  I have no idea what the outcome will be.  Either I will still be living like a criminal or it will be decriminalized but still not be legal. 

I just want the laws to be written to be fair and reasonable - not to dictate how people can love and live.

Sunday, 27 March 2011

And it is Sunday - what do people do on Sunday??

Yesterday I declared it "Adult Lazy Day" in the house so that every adult could choose what they wanted to do without feeling guildy about their choices.  It seemed to go well except that we stayed up a bit too late watching TV. 

I had a disgustingly restless sleep.  I had the most real yet surreal dreams.  I woke up wondering if I really was flying around the house!  I have not dreamt that I was flying/floating since I was a teenager.  I have always wanted it to mean that I am participating in astral projection and that I can just go and wander around where ever I like.  Last night was weird and unsettling overall - mostly because I also dreamt that I was in bed and had sleep paralysis - which sucks.  It happens to me every now and then and it is terrifying.  But to dream that I have it was super weird.

Today was good.  I went to a good friends house who also happens to be an amazing pianist who has started writing her own music.  Her music hits everyone who hears it deep in the soul.  My son lay next to me on the couch and just listened.  He then played her a bit of the music he had written.  It is very simple but musically perfect.  It is not easy to do that - in fact it borders on musical genius that he is able to do it.  The thing is - he doesn't write it down, he doesn't fiddle with it - he just sits down and plays new songs that he hears in his head.  He amazes me.  He loved sitting with her and they played on the piano a bit and talked.  He is looking foward to doing that again.

As soon as we got home my daughter and her friend were babysitting a wee one for another friend of mine.  Caleb was trying to help and doing a good job of it but my father in law just criticized him about everything he did.  Finally my son declared that they should go play outside - I think mostly to get away from his grandpa - but was still criticized about how he was putting on her coat and many other things.  He came into my studio and just started to cry.  I just wanted to walk out and punch the old man but that wouldn't get anyone anywhere. 

Hubby is doing a photo shoot today and wifey is helping him with it.  They won't be home for over an hour - way past dinner time. 

I am having one of those days that even though we have a poly life and I have two dedicated partners, I am feeling really lonely and I don't see much of an end in sight to that. 

Being poly is one thing but adding a level of bdsm and the dynamics that go along wih that make for a very interesting social dynamic around here, one that I never expected to happen, one that puts me on the bottom of the 'pecking order' so to speak. 

I have no doubt in my mind or my heart how much I am loved and cared for.  I simply am not the first in anyone's mind or priorities.  The way the dynamics have fallen out around here I am just near the end.  Today I feel it. 

Dinner, shower and early bed sounds good.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

The hubby

Today my hubby has tried to save the dishwasher from the landfill.  Apparently there was something wrapped around the impeller and the pump is now working.  The dishwasher still will not drain - the mystery search continues.  This has left everyone frustrated.  Mostly the daughter is frustrated because it is her chore to do the  dishes and the rest of us have to live with sorta clean dishes because she hates the job. 

So - who is the hubby?  Well he is this amazing man who I have been with since 1991 - yup - 20 years. 

In the second term at UVic in the 1990-91 year I went into the SUB for my usual 'avoid class' coffee and saw this guy that I had never seen before.  He was wearing red high top converse, army pants, a crazy patterned black and orangish pullover hoodie and a mullet (remember they were cool then!) but in the long part of his mullet were beads and hair wraps etc.  He also wore these crazy half glasses when reading.  He had the most increadible blue eyes, still does really, and I was facinated by him.  There was much across the room checking out and flirting. 

On February 1st I raced to school because I thought I had slept in and was late for a info table on the peer counselling program.  I flew into the SUB at 9:00am to find out that the room we were in didn't open until 10:00am.  I felt a little foolish so I wandered downstairs to the hang out area to get a coffee and bagel.  I walked into the room to see my future hubby sitting at an adjoining table to someone I knew.  I placed my order and went and sat with my friend and 'ignored' this cute guy I was to spend my life with.  I was desperately hoping something would happen to allow us to meet.  Finally I get called to get my bagel and when I sit down again he say "That looks good" referencing my bagel.  I say "would you like it?" handing it over to him.  There was a lovely interchange of him saying 'no' and me saying 'no really, its ok!' until we settled into a conversation of other things. 

The rest of the day I spent trying to find excuses to talk to him, remain in these conversations as long as possible.  At one point he mentioned that his student loan had not come in.  As it turns out my mother had just been to visit and had stocked me up with more food than one person could eat so I did the logical thing - I invited him over to dinner!  He accepted after awhile and by this time probably thought I was insane. 

That evening we walked from my place to the grocery store to pick up a couple extra things to make dinner with.  On the way back we held hands.  It was ridiculous how holding hands with someone could have felt that right.  Once back at my place, while I was cooking dinner, he came up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders and leaned in and kissed my neck - my knees just about buckled!  We ate dinner and chatted.  Finally after dinner we actually kissed and I knew at that moment that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.  I was completely in love.

We spent the rest of the weekend together, spent time at my place and at his place.  He moved into my place to save money and get away from his roomate.  My mom was covering half my rent until the end of the school year.  Once school was out we moved into our own place and fessed to our parents that we were living together.  No one was impressed.  We struggled for years.  We did the nomadic university student thing of moving about every 10 - 12 months for various reasons. 

We met Feb 1st.  By July we were engaged.  That pissed of my mom something fierce. 

We had a social shuffle.  We had vastly different friends and no one understood why we were together.  We just knew that we were supposed to be together.  That fall we got involved in the medievalist stuff.  I had been involved since I was 15 but had moved to where there was no group for a couple years and then had a difficult time with and individual harassing me when I tried to get involved in Victoria.  We went to an open house to meet people and I found someone doing bobbin lace.  I was hooked once again.

This became a large part of our social circle and it was a fun way to spend time together.  We had a blast just being an engaged couple.  Living paycheck to paycheck and having fun.

His mother was determined to have a wedding date set so we did.  June 18th 1994 we got married.  Our families helped a bit but we did it debt free and the way we wanted. 

We continued to work, school part time etc.  There were many eventful things that occured invoving collapsing stairs, law suits, family emergencies, arguments, moving, parites, jobs etc. 

In 1997 we had our daughter - wow, being a parent is amazing and challenging but the best decision ever.

In 1998 we moved to the Okanagan Valley - best decision as a couple ever.

In 1999 we had our son - best surprise ever! 

In 2001 we bought a house and stopped moving all the time! 

There have been some crazy times in our lives but the one thing  that I come back to all the time is a piece of advice my mom gave me before I met him.  I was struggling whether I should break up with a guy I was dating.

Mom:  Can you live with him:?
Me:  Yeah - I can live with him - I can live with most people.
Mom:  Can you live without him?
Me:  Yeah - I totally could do that.
Mom:  Then break up with him.  When you meed the person you can't live without - that is the one you hang on to and is worth fighting for.

My hubby is the person I can't live without.  There have been times that I have a really hard time living with him but I also know I can't live without him so we sort it out.  We know each other better than we know ourselves sometimes.  Life is good when I am snuggled into his chest.

No one ever thought we would make it a year let alone 20 years. 

I love him.

Friday, 25 March 2011

Life as it is

Many times I look at my life how it truly is and wonder how exactly it got this way. 
Today is my son's 12th birthday. 
I have a VERY hard time comprehending the fact that not only do I have a 12 year old son but I have an almost 14 year old daughter. 

Today was spent focusing on him and it takes a lot of energy.  This young man has ADHD, generalized anxiety and an assortmetn of learning diabilities that prevent him from getting his brilliant thoughts and ideas out of his head.  This causes much frustration.  He also is very sensitive to sugar, food colorings and simply the energy of being around people.  He has been flying high all day and I am really tired.  

We ate dinner and this is what the buzz in my house is like on a typical day:  daughter doing the dishes, hubby playing a game with son, wifey helping daughter with the dishes and father in law watching hockey.  I found myself sitting there knitting a thing (still don't know if it is a scarf or shawl or what) half paying attention to the hockey game and suddenly I felt kind of old. 

My ideal vision of myself is a cross between a burlesque dancer and a derby girl with a bit of suicide girl thrown in who is a full time textile artist and classical pianist. 

The reality of myself is a very overweight, tired, fibromyalgia suffering, anxiety/depression battling admin assistant who teaches piano on the side and wishes she would take more time to follow that above dream. 

Time to start figuring out what brought me to this place.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

And so it begins

The first time the idea of writing down stories about my life became forefront to my mind I was at my sons soccer game.  It was a Satruday morning a number of years ago.  The weather was beautiful.  I was sitting on the bleachers drinking my coffee along with many other parents.  We were all watching our kids play soccer.  All the other parents were sitting there chatting with each other about regular everyday things.  I was sitting off to the side alone sewing together little bits of paper into hand made books.  It was at that moment I realized that I was not like other soccer moms. 

I started thinking about how I juggled my schedule with so many activities and when I would try to explain my life to most people they would look at me like I was insane.  Things that I though were normal every day things apparently were not. 

I started joking that I should write a book and call it Memoirs of a Medivalist Soccer Mom. 

Then my life got a bit more complex.  I kept adding adjecitives to it until it finally has become Memoirs of a Bisexual, Polyamorous, Kinky, Medievalist Soccer Mom.  That comes closer . . . .

Plus there is the teenage hormonal daughter, the pre-teen son with behavioural challenges, the live-in Father in Law and of course everyday struggles of money, career, going back to school, teaching music, making time for two full time partners, and trying to juggle it all and still have time to not lose my mind.

I hope this journey of recording and remembering many things about my life is a fun one!