Monday, 30 April 2012

Z is for Zen

I can't believe this challenge is at Z already! 

SO I spent the weekend being exceptionally zen.  I went to Spring Festival of Awareness and got my meditative zen on big time.  It was amazing!

I spent many hours in blissfull peace and quiet.

This this morning - work crisis after work crisis, found out about 5 deaths of people - none of whom I know but all who affect people I know, and general chaos. . . . .

Can I go back out to the spiritual place now?

Y is for Yup

Yup, Nope, and Sure.  These words are ones I use when I am non-committal.

Yup - means yes but I have a casual view of it
Nope - means no but again I have a casual view of it
Sure - fine, if I have to, don't want to but feel I have no option of getting out of it.

I try to not use these words as they don't respect or valued the people I am using them with. 

I am trying to get them out of my vocabulary - I want relationships and communication with those in my life to have value and be honored with honesty and respect.  This kind of causal and wishy-washy communication does not value or respect anyone.

X is for X-Ray

I find X-Ray's quite facinating.  To me they look a lot like an ultra sound picture . . . blurry.  I wonder how anyone can see things on it!

I wonder if x-ray techs and ultra sound techs have special eye sight requirements for their job.  To me it is all shadows and blobs. 

My children think that x-rays are facinating - they like to see what is inside their body.  I am not such a fan of them as it means there is a NEED to see inside their body and probably means they have broken something. 

The bonus of breaking something is the cast!  Oh the colors. 

And I digress . . .

Of to catch up with my 'Y' and 'Z' posts . .

Thursday, 26 April 2012

W is for Watermelon

Watermelon is one of those odd things in our house that everyone understands if you are part of our family but no one else gets.

My son is a watermelon fan.  He loves it so much that his dream is to find one large enough that he can cut the bottom off it, insert his head and eat his way out. 

One year he ever recieved a mini watermelon wrapped up under the Christmas Tree.  He drew a face on it, named it, carried it around for a bit and then chopped it up and ate it.

I have never seen someone be able to eat as much watermelon as he can. 

I love the stuff too but there is a limit!

For him it isn't even a love of the theme of watermelons.  He doesn't want to collect them or decorate with the colors - he just wants to eat them!

He is a funny kid :)

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

V is for Variety

Variety is the key to moving forward in anything you do.  If there is no variety then whatever you are attempting to do gets boring and the passion leaves and things stagnate.  At least in my life that is what happens.

I have fallen into a rut with weight loss.  I am down 40 pounds and have a LOT more to lose.  This is not a 'get skinny' plan, it is a 'get to a healthy place' plan.  I have fallen into a rut eating the same thing at the same time etc.  My body has adjusted.

Today is day one of adding variety to my eating habits and shaking things up to remind my body what we are doing here! 

I think I crave a bit too much variety in every day life.  I get a rush of excitement when I have a new big project or task to do - even if it is a boring spreadsheet to build.  It is totally fun to start something - it is the finishing that holds me up!  I don't like it to end.

Anyway - back to my variety of food for the day . . . except the coffee.  I am keeping my coffee!

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

U is for Uppity

People who are uppity make me laugh.  If the term uppity is not in your vocabulary then I am not overly surprised.  It is a term I used to refer to people who are overly tense, proper, look down their nose at you, and are generally judgemental.

I am not uppity - I am the complete opposite.

I have never understood the need to break another down to raise your self up in your own mind.  I just do not get it.  Uppity people get so worked up over things that really have no bearing on life in general.

I have tried to understand, I have tried to listen to see if I am missing out on a part of life by being so relaxed about stuff.  I just can't seem to get worked up about what other people are wearing or how my friends actions make me look etc. 

I have even tried to learn from the cast of all the 'Real Housewives' shows.  I have decided that New Jersey was my favorite because they are hysterical.  Then New York because of the Countess - lots of Uppity lessons from her.  The OC because they live in their own little world and I think that it may be nice to visit.  Now Atlanta is an odd collections of ladies.  Then Vancouver started and I thought maybe I could relate to my Canadian peeps on the level of Uppity . . . oh my.  I didn't even last an entire episode - not sure what they are drinking in the water in Vancouver on that side of town but wow . . . . I will skip it next time I visit.

So I go back to my non-uppity life and hang out and just generally exist. . . . one day maybe I will understand what I am missing.

Monday, 23 April 2012

T is for Totally Overwhelmed!!

I have this problem of getting WAY too many good ideas.  Now I have hit crunch time on my good ideas!!!!

In 4 days I will be heading to this amazing thing called Spring Festival of Awareness

I have only ever participated in the past but this year I am attending as a vendor and a healer.  The healer bit is not too stressful - I show up for my sessions and do my thing.  The vendor bit is slightly more stressful! 

We are selling two things . . . First is the glass beads that the lovely wife makes . . .
and that is just a part of the inventory.

Second are the new adventure of the upcycled fairy coats/ armwarmers/ hoodies/ hats etc . . .!/DeadFishResurections

It is all totally exciting and popular and fun and makes it possible to explore a partial living on being an artist!  I am super thrilled about it.  This week is going to be nothing but manufacturing, inventory, price tags, packing and organizing.  I started last night and all it made me realize is how much I still have to do. 

I don't mind being totally overwhelmed in a good way like this - it is completely exciting.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

S is for Solace

I think everyone needs a place of solace in their life. Mine currently looks like chaos puked up all over it. It is difficult to focus on work or creativity or being sane when your studio space looks like someone moved in, didn't fully unpack, and then had the room tossed looking for stuff. Yesterday I sat in there looking at all the furniture trying to figure how to reorganize and settle it. S is also for Stuffed. My son just went nuts on a rare treat of pizza and looks like he is expecting a set of pizza triplets. It is hard to focus on anything other than giggling at him!

R is for Ritalin

A day late but here goes . . . My lovely son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was between grades 1 and 2. He also has a whole other myriad of diagnosis but this is the one that is the hardest to manage. We have tried diet, routine, environmental shifts and finally medication. He has extreme ADHD and we must use diet, stimuli control, behavior supports and a lot of patience on top of the meds to manage. The Ritalin is a savior. As he is getting older and understands the biology of his brain we are looking at other solutions. So far the meds are still essential. I am sad that meds like this get abused because they give certain people the ability to live a productive life. I used to have a prejudice against stimulant medication until it came into our life and allowed my son to function.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Q is for Quantity

The person who dies with the most crap wins, right?  Wrong!
This is just how our society seems to deem worth - is on quantity of matierial goods.

I discovered how much of an issue I personally have with quantity of stuff when the show Hoarders came on, then Hoarding: Buried Alive came on.  Around my house these shows are not lovingly reffered to as Cristin's Therapy.  Yeah . . . seriously.

I have never gotten that bad but the issues are there.  The emotional attachment to stuff, the clutter blindness, the lack of concern when things start to pile up etc.

It is not that I like the look of it, I don't.  It just simply doesn't bother me as much as the average person.  Every week I have to go through the house and make the effort to clear off the old paper bits, throw stuff out, find another pile of things to sell or donate etc.  It seriously takes effort on my part to do what average people do daily.  It just does not come natrually to me.  Seeing what that problem can become keeps me in check.

About 2 years ago we finally had some semblance of organization in our house, then my father-in-law moved in for a couple months while he got settled.  We rented a storage unit to put the extra stuff in to make room for him.  Two years later he is still settled in nicely and has not plans to move out.  He is also not healthy enough - mentally or physically - to move out on his own.  So - we gave up the storage locker, sold a ton of stuff and crammed the rest in corners and cupboards and campers and sheds to go through.  We are doing that bit by bit but it is exhausting.

The other issue is the artistic nature of our family.  Everyone (except my son and my FIL) love to create stuff.  In the house currently are looms, brewing equiptment, a leather shop, yarn, fleece, metal working, bronze casting, sewing (LOTS of sewing stuff), knitting, lampworking, jewellry making etc, etc, etc.

We really need a couple of extra rooms to sort and house this stuff.  It does generate a revenue but it takes room and time and workspace.

Currently the studio I teach piano out of is a catch all for this vast amount of stuff that I stash before my students arrive and then it explodes afterwards again.  It is very labor intensive.

My goal these days is to reduce the quantity of my stuff and increase the quantity of my human interaction with friends.

Quantity can be a good thing - when it is about the right thing!!!

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

P is for People Who Just Don't Listen

When I was living in Victoria, BC and going to University we had a habit of moving . . . a lot . . . like every 10 - 12 months.  Always looking for the better and cheaper place to live.  Needless to say we went through a lot of phone numbers in our time there.

At that time Telus (the phone company) would reassign phone numbers after 3 months of no use so it was essential to have a new phone book or just be patient with a lot of wrong numbers.  This was before Canada 411 for looking up phone numbers on-line as well.

SO . . . about the same time as the moves a certain Canadian gas station was renovating all their store fronts which shut down their business for about 4 months - so guess what . . . when we moved into a neighbourhood where there was a gas station renovation just finishing up . . . we got their old phone number!  Fun times. 

For ease of description here are the weird terms you need to know:  Petro Can is the name of the gas station.  Shelbourne & MacKenzie is the major intersection where the renovated gas station lives.

SO - we move in and we get many, many phone calls asking for the Shelbourne and MacKenzie Petro Can.  We would politely explain the mix up, direct them to find a current phone book and life would go on.  There would be the odd confused person that would take longer to convince them we were not just workers that were slacking!

One weekend morning we were all home (my, my hubby and our two roommates) and the phone rings.  I answer it with a standard "Hello?" and this is the how the next few minutes went . . .

"Hi - is this the Shelbourn and MacKenzie Petro Can?"
"No - this isn't.  They have changed phone numbers.  You need to get the new phone book and call that number.  This number has been reassigend to a residential number."
"Oh - ok.  Thanks"

1 minute later the phone rings.

"Hi - is this the Shelbourn and MacKenzie Petro Can?" (voice is the same as above caller)
"No - I just spoke to you and explained that they have a new number.  You need to find the new phone book and call that number.  This is a private residence."
"Oh - ok.  Thanks"

we all look at each other and shake our heads.
1 minute later the phone rings.

"Hi - is this the Shelbourne and MacKenzie Petor Can?"(voice is still the same as above caller)
less polite this time "No - again this is a private number.  Please look up the correct number in the new phone book."
"Oh - ok.  Thanks" (seriously . . . again she said the same thing)

we all look at each other and roll our eyes and laugh a little at how special some folks are.
1 minute laster the phone rings again!
My husband grabs is and this is what we all hear him say . . .

"Good morning - Shelbourne and MacKenzie Petro Can.  How can I help you today?"
"Oh really, ok - what day was that?"
"Saturday is busy but we could do Sunday"
"Yes 9am sounds good"
"No - just bring your buckets and supplies and whatever signs you need"
"Excellent - see you then!"

He arranged a carwash for this girls soft ball team as a fundraiser!!!

We felt bad, kinda - but honestly . . . .
We almost got lawn chairs and popcorn to watch the show at 9am on that Sunday morning but we slept in and missed it.  Still don't know what happened!

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

O is for OMG!

OMG has become the polite way of declaring shock or amazement.

I would first like to say that my faith has nothing to do with this post.  This post is created out of my amazement at the lack of respect many people have for another's faith.

We don't have people decalring OMB (Oh My Buddah!) or OMA (Oh My Alah!) or any other thing like that.  But we as a society have become comfortable and familiar with using God and JC as an acceptable term of shock, amazement, contempt and swearing.  To me this is disrespectful of the people who hold Christianity as a faith.

I try my hardest to NOT use this slang but it slips out.  I try to teach my children not to use this slang and why.  I also try to spread the awarenss of respect and understanding and tolerance for all religions, races, choices, etc - regardless if I agree with them or not.  People make these choices and as long as it makes them happy - who cares!

OH - and I am not a Christian.  I was raised Catholic and it never took.  I explored religions of the world during university, I spoke to different people, visited different services, read tons of books etc.  None of them really fit except one.  Of course, the one that fit with me of course is one of the most mis-understood of them all but hey - so is the rest of my life!

So I live my life Wiccan and by the belief of 'As long as ye harm none, do as ye will'

Monday, 16 April 2012

N is for No

No is a word I struggle with.  I have what you call helium hand - people ask if anyone wants to volunteer to do something and my hand magically floats in the air.  I don't want it too . . . it just happens!  I am the queen of overcommiting myself to tasks and jobs.

I work very hard and curbing this.  I take a chaperone to voluneer committee meetings, I have been known to sit on my hands, my partners have been known to contact the coordinator ahead of time and tell them I am not allowed to do jobs etc.  I think one time, when I was contemplating taking on a large job for a National voluneer group he asked if there was enough money in their bank account to pay for my divorce . . . . it was all in good fun but he got his point accross!

My kids have zero problem saying NO to things.  They are old pros at it!

My most difficult tasks to say NO to are the ones that spark my creative energy - I get totally energized when I am excieted about a project, and then that project ignites another project and so on and so on etc . . . . .

It gets overwhelming when my music studio is drowning in fiber and fabric and my dining room table is lost under piles of sweaters being up-cycled and my chair that I relax in is like a spiked fence because there are knitting projects stashed in the cusions . . . . sigh . . . .

Saturday, 14 April 2012

M is for Meditation

Meditation has always been a mystery to me.  For years I wondered how just sitting quietly and living in your head could be helpful.  That is becaue my head is not a quiet or restful place to be!  The buddists call it Monkey Mind. 

In the spring I started going to a weekly meditation group.  The first few times I really struggled but I was assured that even meditation takes practice.  Finally it started to become easier and I found that every time I went to the group it was like a re-set button on all the stress and tension in my body and brain.  Now I can't even imagine life without mediation.  We have had a break from the group because the woman who leads it has been away and ill.  I now have to take the leap and do some independant mediataion and that scared me a bit - not sure why, but it does.
Through meditation I have also discovered Metaphysics.  I have always know the word but less about the overall philosophy.  I am still learning and there are so many things that I don't understand but it is interesting.

Lots of M words today!

My overall favorite M word is mom.

I also love the word making because I love making stuff.

Friday, 13 April 2012

L is for Landschneckt

Landschneckt is word that most people have never heard of but in my circle of friends is a common and frequetly used one.

It is used in reference to historical costuming.  It is one of the most flamboyent and fabulous times of fashion that existed.  The sheer size and scope of the feathers on the hats is enough to make any self-respecting Vegas showgirl or drag queen squee with delight!!

I have learned over the years that my research and experimental archeaology obsession with textiles gives me a vocabulary and knowledge base that is not standard.

The fact that I have a Warp Weighted Loom that visually dominates my dining room, a table loom, 4 narrow band looms, a basket full of spindles, 14 sheep fleeces, bins and boxes and shelves full of fiber in all states of processing, a seperate set of pots for natural dying etc, etc, etc

I also have a hoard of fabric.  Not crappy fabric either - good fabric.  All wool, silk, linen, etc.  When we measured it it was over 500 meters.  Then we bought more, and more, and more.  So we sold a bunch.  We are probably sitting at around 250 - 300 meters at the moment.  I think it breeds . . .

Right now the newest textile obsession is up-cycling old sweters into pixie coats, arm warmers, and hoodies.  Tons of fun!

I decided a few weeks ago that I really need a Patron - you know an arts patron that gives me tons of money to just create and be artistic because they like to support the arts . . . . yup - that is what I need.  Know of any?

Thursday, 12 April 2012

K is for Kawai

Kawai is the brand name of my piano.
I started playing piano when I was 5.  I took lessons and practiced and slacked through my playing for my enitre life at home.  By the time I was graduating from high school I was at about a Royal Conservatory Grade 9 playing level but my technique sucked!

I never gave it up.  I played for fun and enjoyment. 

One day I decided to go back to it seriously - I actually sat my Grade 8 exam and passed.  I got all the way up to Grade 4 History and Grade 2 Rudiments.  I need to do Harmony now . . .

I am working on Grade 9 - I have been for a LONG time.  I just can't seem to commit to it.

I also teach. 

I have spent countless hours in front of that word - Kawai - the first A is just above Middle C.  It was my starting point. 

I don't think I could ever live without my piano -

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

J is for Jig and Just never giving up

Jig - I love the happy feeling I get in my soul when I see someoen dancing a jig.  I think it is impossible to be depressed or sad while dancing or watching someone dance a jig. 

I never learned how to dance the jig but it is one thing that I would love to learn - problem being that my body would never support and endure such a physical feat!  Fibromyalgia is a bitch - just sayin'!  I refuse to give up my life to the syndrome but it does put some limitations on me.

Having Fibro is a crazy roller coaster - somedays you feel like you always have.  I guess your own personal normal.  Other days you feel like your brain was sucked out of you in the middle of the night by aliens and replaced with Jello.  I have had days where I swear I was run over by a truck in the night and no one left a note.  At times food won't digest, at other times you just can't be satisfies by food.  Emotional roller coasters, anxiety, depression, and borderline insanity all occur and random and unpredictable intervals.

Drug trials are possible - these intensify some symptoms and reduce others - all of which is an exciting thing. 

The most frustrating is the memory issues commonly known as Fibro Fog.  If you have anyone in your life with Fibro please be patient with them around this.  It is a frustrating thing to not be able to access your brain.  It is kinda like you have misplaced the keys to the filing cabinets in there.  You know the information exists, you can almost physically feel where it should be, but you can't open the thought.  Then - at 3am it hits you.  You feel like an ADD kid off their meds and blurt out things at the wrong time because you know if you don't you will forget.

So - every morning I wake up and shuffle out of bed until the body loosens up.  I wander the 5 blocks to work - with fibro in the morning I don't walk . . . I wander or saunter or casually stroll.  I ease into the day with my coffee (doubles as a heat pack for my dumb frozen jaw).  Try really hard to focus on what I eat to stick to my WW plan - really struggling these days.  I sit a lot at work as I work in an office.  After work I casually wander home.  Then I try to find the motivation to do things like laundry and dishes and general maintenance on the house.  I do a lot of textile creation as I can do that sorta lounging on my big comfy chair drinking tea.  Then I for some reason wake up around 9pm and am ready to tackle the world. . . . argh!

Oh - and all through that there is the chronic pain and fatigue.

My mantra in life is "The pain is not doing damage, the pain is not doing damage . . ." so I don't let it beat me . . . just gets exhausting!

SO - I wish somedays I could Jig to show happiness and because then I would own a different body.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

I is for Inconsistent

Inconsistency is something I struggle with - both as a parent and a partner. 

I find that if you are inconsistent as a parent then your kids walk all over you, but there are times that hard and fast rules need to be discusses because the environment we live in isn't hard and fast. 

I think the place where I struggle the most with this is in the realm of BDSM.  I haven't discussed this aspect of my life in great detail because many times it generates more questions in myself than I have the ability to answer, but this word is the reason I have all those questions.

There are a few different types of people who partake in the lifestyle.  Weekend warrior types - they like the parties, they like the clothes, they like the few hours of adrennaline and risk taking and having a totally different experience than their regular life.  Many of these types take the lifestyle into the bedroom and keep it there. 

There are the type who have a specific long term bdsm relationship with another person.  This is a power exchange based relationship and they make time to have sessions, engage in that power exchange and many times there is no sex involved.  BDSM is not about sex.  It can come into play at times, but most times it is about the control - either taking it or giving it - and the sensation/pain/endorphrine rush that accompanies it.

Then there are the 24/7 types.  They usually live together, they have elements of the power exchange in all aspects of life.  It is a wonderful dynamic if done right and adds a depth to a relationship like I have never experienced.

I have been through all facets of these dynamics.

I found that, in a submissive mindset, I need consisitency and I am very needy.  This is unlike me in my 'mom-mode'.  I also have a very difficult time flipping back and forth between the two head spaces. 

In the lifestyle my hubby is a dom and my wifey is a switch (can be dom or sub).  The dynamics that have evolved with the two of them are strong.  I have drifted away from the lifestyle a bit because I struggle seeing her in a sub role while viewing her as a dom.  It bends my brain.  He cannot commit to the level I need and I cannot seem to deal with the level that either one of them are capable of providing.

It has left a rather bizzare result.

I am hoping that one day it will resolve but for now I am on the outskirts looking in to this lifestyle and trying to reconcile my needs and wants with my reality.

Monday, 9 April 2012

H is for Home(stead)

Home is where you live, where you are from, etc

I think all of us have a vision in our heads of how we want our home to look, dream rooms, dream yards etc.  I think my dream home has a decorator, a maid, a gardener and a personal assistant to keep me focused. 

I have always had a dream of having a house like on the movie Practical Magic but with a HUGE yard on the edge of the city so I can have chickens and goats and sheep and a greenhouse etc.  I have this idea of having an 'emo' farm - Llamas, Aracuna Chickens, Herdforshire Cattle, Angora and Mohair critters etc - oh - and a sheepdog.  They all have hair in their eyes - hence the emo farm!!
I want this farm so I can harvest all the fleece and fibre from my critters and turn it into wonderful textile creations. 

Other things I would love to have . . .
- a great room with huge high ceilings that lots of people could hang out in.
- a huge kitchen that opens onto the above great room
- a custom made master bedroom to accomodate 3 people
- a weaving/sewing room
- a spiritual retreat room
- a brew room/wine cellar
- a properly vented studio for lampworking
- a home theater
- an adult play room
- guest rooms
- and in the yard . . . we want to build a living history viking homestead

So . . . the diverse interests of our family make it near imposslibe to persue hobbies and work and maintain the dream home.  So . . . along with the decorateor, the maid, the gardener and the personal assisitant I also need a winning lottery ticket or a rich patorn who wants to see me make cool stuff . . .

In reality - my home is a 2400 sq foot 4 bedroom house.  It has 4 adults and 2 teenagers living here and it is cramped and cluttered and in need of some basic maintenance.  Daily I attempt to get rid of things to make it less cluttered but the stuff seems to breed!  I don't know exactly how that happens.

One day . . . . I will keep dreaming . . .

Saturday, 7 April 2012

G is for Gran

Gran is what I called my grandmother, my mom's mom.

This woman was my idol.  The more I look back on her life and truly appreciate all she did and accomplished in her life the more my respect grows for her.

She was raised by religious extrememists who bordered on cultish behavior all in the name of Christianity.  When she had children she allowed them to make thier own choices and never pushed anything on them.  Luckily for me my own mother took that lesson and transfered it down a generation.
She raised 3 kids while married to an abusive alcoholic.  She could hunt, fish, garden, process anything she caught or grew, spin, weave, dye, knit, sew, etc.  She was truly a self sufficient woman.  She was also smart and had a head for business. 

Some of my most amazing memories of visitng her were the fact that if we screwed up and got in trouble she would give us the consiquence and it was done.  It was never brought up again.  It was not hung over our heads when our parents returned.  It was just done.
She would make fresh cinnamon buns every Christmas morning - she would get up at the crack of dawn so they were in the oven for when we were all waking up to the amazing smell.
The little pill bottle of pearls she had found in the oysters off the beach in front of her house.
Polishing and dusting her bell collection.
Beachcombing with her and bringing buckets upon buckets of shells and sealife home to try to beg our parents to let us bring home as pets (we lived on the praries).
Picking vegetables out of the garden for dinner every night.
Deciding the color of the hydrangea bushes every spring by the amount of lime she would add - and it always worked!  I was allowed to walk around with her and tell her the color I wanted them.  She seemed magical.

One year she helped us preserve a bunch of star fish to take home to our friends on the praries.  She set up this huge black caulren over a fire on the beach and set up a dye vat.  We collected a bunch of starfish and she would set up this concotion over the fire of preservatives and dye that we would drop them into.  She would stir it up and then we would lay them along her seemingly endless driveway to dry.  When done they were stiff and safe to take home.  The visiual reminds me of a witch on the beach making potions!!! 

When she was dying of cancer, and finally had to admit it, she never once lost her sense of humor.  She was a totally amazing woman.  She was the glue that held our family together. 

I treasure her memory and have begun to learn all the skills she had so that I can honor her memory and her life. 

One day I hope to be an amazing grandmother who gets her grandkids in lots of 'trouble' excpet I will still have piercings, sagging tattoos and probably pink hair . . . I also have a grand plan to become just eccentric enough to make my kids feel like I do at them moment trying to raise them as teenagers!!!

Friday, 6 April 2012

F is for Frangipani

Frangipani is my favorite incense that  can no longer get. 
I discovered it in a little store in Fan Tan Alley in Victoria, BC when I lived there.  It was unlike anything else I had ever smelled. 
It was the first incense that made me sit and think and enjoy the experience of beign alone.

So many times I wish that I could get it again - I have no idea where to buy it.  I have lots of other scents that I enjoy but I have never been able to replicate that one.

Years later I have discoverd that spirituality that I was searching for at that time.  I have discovered meditation and tarot and trusting my intuition.  I look back at all the barriers I would encounter at that time and realized that I probably didn't have a lot of luck with it because it was not my time.  The self discovery journey that has occured over the last  months of my life has been nothing short of amazing.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

E is for Everywhere

Everywhere is the most mis-used word by my children and partners mostly used in the sentance "I have looked everywhere for it and I can't find it".  My answer is usually "You didn't look everywhere because if you did you would have it".  They don't like this answer.

I think the main difference is in the way we remember where things were left or in the way we look for things.  With the kids they go to the last place they remember it being.  This could be from last summer and they been to that spot hundreds of time since, but they are shocked when the item they want isn't magically there.  With the partners they view themselves as highly organized and it should be where they 'think' they left it.  This is not necessarily where it actually is.  Because I am a 'piler nor a filer' the blame gets placed on me to have lost it.

I am also the one who seems to find the lost objects. 

I have never been a completely organized or neat person.  I work really hard at de-cluttering and letting things go daily.  Right now I am on a "decluttering for fun a profit" kick - I have been selling items on an online local swap type site.  It has been totally fun.  I have made more than I would at a yard sale and I am meeting some lovely people.

I guess E is also for Easter . . . . and that is this weekend.  Chocolate bunny day is always good!!

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

D is for Dad(s)

Dad is not something that really resonates with me - I have never had a consistent one in my life.

Dad #1 - my mom and he married when they were young.  They had my brother and then me.  He was in the air force as part of the Search and Rescue Squadron.  From what I understand this is one of the most difficult squadrons to get into - the trials eliminate over 80% of those who apply.  He loved his job.  He loved jumping out of airplanes and saving people.  While on a rescue in November of 1971 the plane he was on went down and killed all 7 members of the unit he was with.  It is one of 2 fatal accidents in the entire history of the squadron.  I was only 18 months old.  I never really knew him.  This event really affected my brother.

Dad #2 - When I was 4 my mom re-married to another air force man.  We trasferred from Comox to Germany.  The Germany stint was supposed to be 4 years and he only lasted 14 months.  He left the service, moved to Saskatoon, SK and joined the city police force.  He viewed his kids and his pets about the same.  They should be there to perform tricks to show how amazing he was.  When I was 15, and on my mom's birthday, he left blaming my brother for not shovelling the sidewalk. It was a very odd day.  His leaving was the best thing that ever could have happened.  He arranged visitations with the dog, not us.  This gave me some really identity crisis times over never knowing Dad #1 and a lot of emo poetry was composed in this phase.  He and I have never really kept in touch.  He met my daughter once when she was less than a year old and had never met my son. I put as much effort into the relationship as he does.

Dad #3 - after many years alone and my mom settling into her own stride she met the love of her life.  He was much older than her but made her happy like nothing I have ever seen.  He was my kids true grandpa, he loved those kids like nothing I had ever seen.  The day he fell and broke his hip was the day his life changed forever.  His seemingly ageless self changed into an old man almost over night.  He could not regain his health.  My mom stayed by his side every step of the way and when it was finally time for pallitive care she moved him home and did it all.  He died one year on father's day.  I miss him.

Dad #4 - my mom now has a new partner.  Her grieving over Dad #3 was long and deep.  I figured she would never recover from it.  Then she reunited with a childhoold friend who had never married.  They have their own houses, their own lives.  They travel south in the winter, they are wonderful companions.  He is cheerful and respectful and community minded and lovely.  I think that he is a great and lovely soul.

Bonus Dad - My Father In Law.  This is a man, who in his younger days, was hysterical.  I could hang out with him and bullshit all day long.  He has a gruff exterior and says the most inapproriate things because he has never adjusted his language as terms and things have moved on.  His wife went a little nutty a few years ago and after 45 years of marriage moved out of the house while he was in the hospital.  He moved in with us almost 2 years ago.  Now he is a frail and depressed person.  He is slowly killing himself by not taking care of himself and his health conditions - of which there are many.  When you try to help him he gets mad.  Yesterday he fell while at the pool and is now in the hospital with severe soft tissue damage and he can't even get out of bed or move his right arm.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  I want him to live closer but in the house is killing our family.  Hopefully this will be a wake up call or a catalyst to assisted living of some kind.  We will find out.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

C is for Coffee

Coffee is more than a beverage for me . . .

Coffee is a quiet time in the morning.
Coffee is a walk with my hubby holding hands (still after 21 years) to get a treat down the street.
Coffee is a shared passion with my wifey.
Coffee is a loving child making it for us on the weekend so we have that amazing aroma to wake up to.
Coffee is a total addiction.
Coffee is a time out from a busy day, a stressful moment.
Coffee is a visit with friends.
Coffee is amazing.

Monday, 2 April 2012

B is for Brother

I have a brother.  Most of my closest friends don't even know I have this particular relative.  When they see a picture of him or hear me talk about him the seem shocked.

My brother is 18 months older than me.  Growing up we were 2 school grades apart.  He was shorter than me (which pissed him off) and was also really natrually quiet, charming and very popular.  He understood the social game that I never did. 

Basically I was a bit of an embarassment to him - I was tall, heavy, geeky, loud, and had strange friends.  He never could just talk to me at school.  We kinda pretended we didn't know each other - it was easier on him.

Since leaving school we have really drifted apart.  He came to my wedding, I went to his.  He is an amazing uncle to my kids when he sees them.  He has recently separated from his wife and we exchanged a brief text conversation. 

I am not sure he will ever figure out how to speak to me - I just don't fit his mould of what I should be.  He is the golden child of the family because he has been successful in the material aspect of things.  He has done all the correct things, has money for vacations, is a neat freak, etc. 

If we met in a social venue we would never connect on a social level.  The only thing that connects us is DNA. 

I hope that his new life will make him happy.  I have nothing but the best of thoughts and wishes for him.  I really wish that things were different between us and I have tried - he is just not receptive.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

A is for Atypical

Atypical - a word that usually brings up thoughts of 'not normal' or 'different' but really it is a word I really enjoy.  I live an atypical life.  My relationships, my spiritual views, my parenting style, my views on life in general are atypical if you pay attention to mainstream media.

The things that I view as atypical in my life . . .
- there are 3 people in my relationship with standard and bdsm dynamics
- my 14 year old daughter is able to stand up to friends and not crumble to peer pressure
- my 13 year old son has anxiety, adhd, dyslexia, dysgraphia and borders the autism specturm enough to have the behaviors but not the diagnosis
- my husbands father lives with us and is the cause of a lot of marital stress
- I am a pagan and on a pretty intense spiritual journey
- we participate in mediveal recreation and I have a slight (ok huge) obsession with textile realated stuff
- and there is more . . . .

Now, my life is just my life.  I don't look at it as anything other than my reality until I start trying to explain it to someone.  It is their reactions of shock, confusion and all the questions of 'how does that work?' that make me realize how different it is. 

My entire life I have not followed the mainstream on anything.  I think I caused my mother to go grey at a young age with my piercings and my hair and my makeup.  She was very patient with me but she still doesn't understand me or my life. 

For many years I didn't understand why everyone couldn't just accept me for who I am because I accept then for who they are (another atypical response).  I have finally had to accept that not everyone is able to just accept others as they are.  I can do that, it makes sense to me.  So I just live my life.  If others choose to be part of it then I welcome them in. 

Now - for the rest of my day I get to think about what my 'B' post will be about tomorrow . . . BDSM, Brother, Boredom . . . .