I is for Inconsistent

Inconsistency is something I struggle with - both as a parent and a partner. 

I find that if you are inconsistent as a parent then your kids walk all over you, but there are times that hard and fast rules need to be discusses because the environment we live in isn't hard and fast. 

I think the place where I struggle the most with this is in the realm of BDSM.  I haven't discussed this aspect of my life in great detail because many times it generates more questions in myself than I have the ability to answer, but this word is the reason I have all those questions.

There are a few different types of people who partake in the lifestyle.  Weekend warrior types - they like the parties, they like the clothes, they like the few hours of adrennaline and risk taking and having a totally different experience than their regular life.  Many of these types take the lifestyle into the bedroom and keep it there. 

There are the type who have a specific long term bdsm relationship with another person.  This is a power exchange based relationship and they make time to have sessions, engage in that power exchange and many times there is no sex involved.  BDSM is not about sex.  It can come into play at times, but most times it is about the control - either taking it or giving it - and the sensation/pain/endorphrine rush that accompanies it.

Then there are the 24/7 types.  They usually live together, they have elements of the power exchange in all aspects of life.  It is a wonderful dynamic if done right and adds a depth to a relationship like I have never experienced.

I have been through all facets of these dynamics.

I found that, in a submissive mindset, I need consisitency and I am very needy.  This is unlike me in my 'mom-mode'.  I also have a very difficult time flipping back and forth between the two head spaces. 

In the lifestyle my hubby is a dom and my wifey is a switch (can be dom or sub).  The dynamics that have evolved with the two of them are strong.  I have drifted away from the lifestyle a bit because I struggle seeing her in a sub role while viewing her as a dom.  It bends my brain.  He cannot commit to the level I need and I cannot seem to deal with the level that either one of them are capable of providing.

It has left a rather bizzare result.

I am hoping that one day it will resolve but for now I am on the outskirts looking in to this lifestyle and trying to reconcile my needs and wants with my reality.